How A Mama Bear Learned To Listen

“My anxiety.” It sounds normal, even honest, but what if that tiny phrase is quietly building a fence around your life? I’m Dr. Hollis, and I’m taking a hard look at how the words we repeat can turn a real stress response into an identity we carry everywhere. When anxiety shows up, it can feel like more than worry. It can feel like constriction that tightens your thinking, your confidence, and your ability to move.

A messy, painfully relatable situation kicks this off: my daughter is trying to move into a new apartment, and the delays, lost deposit records, and shifting dates keep piling up. Each update comes with “my anxiety,” and I react like a mother first. That moment opens the door to a bigger truth I don’t want either of us to forget: don’t let what somebody else has done to you determine how much of yourself you have access to.

From there, I dig into what anxiety means at its root, and why it’s not just being nervous or having a lot on your mind. Anxiety can squeeze, press, and narrow your options, especially when your nervous system reads danger. Then we land on a metaphor you won’t forget: anxiety is the kink in the water hose. The kink blocks flow, hijacks joy, and delays action, but it does not define what’s inside the hose and it doesn’t define you.

You’ll leave with a simple language shift that supports self-awareness: moving from “my anxiety won’t let me” to “when anxiety kicks in, I notice.” I also share why finding a trusted voice matters when your world starts to shrink. If this helped you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs steadier words, and leave a review. What phrase are you ready to stop claiming as yours?

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One Degree to Victory is the podcast of the NM Hollis Institute, where we explore the science and practice of building human capacity. Through practical frameworks, meaningful reflection, and real-life stories, each episode helps you think more clearly, respond more intentionally, and move forward one degree at a time. 

Until next time, Constant Listener, I love ya'll. 💙
 

Transcript

The Phrase That Keeps Showing Up

SPEAKER_00 0:19

There is a turn of phrase that keeps popping up from pop songs embedded in lyrics and wrapped in headhopping tunes to everyday conversations between friends and family members, therapists and clients, between lovers, between the adventurous and not so adventurous. It, meaning this phrase, is often the barrier between where you are and where you want to be. It asserts itself right there between the ears and our thoughts, interpretations, and expectations. I started thinking about this because of a conversation I had with my daughter. She was getting ready to move into her new apartment, and there had been delay after delay between the time she signed the lease and the time she was supposed to move in. There had been all kinds of transitions within the realty company. People

A Move-In Mess Sparks Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 1:10

were leaving and being replaced. Her deposit got lost, or rather, it was cashed but hadn't been recorded in their books. Move-in dates changed, and communication wasn't what it should have been, and we were getting worried. Now, during this particular conversation, she said it, that phrase that keeps popping up that we hear in lyrics that's part of our everyday conversation. She said it, my anxiety. A few minutes more after the conversation, I actually took note right then, right? A few moments more, she said it again. And then we talked some more. And I think by the third or fourth, my anxiety, I had had enough. Now, constant listener, I am a mother, and mama often comes out before Dr. Hollis, especially when in the role of mother. I handled this like an irritated mama bear when someone is venturing too close to the Cubs. Only my child was getting messed around with about her money and her apartment. Not only was I irritated with the realty company, I was also irritated with my daughter because where was this coming from, this usage of the phrase my anxiety? And most importantly, when did it become such a ready part of her vocabulary? I didn't like it. And I was so frustrated with her that I finally said, Stop saying my anxiety. And then I launched into a bunch of rhetorical questions that parents ask their children when we think they've messed up for no good reason. We can see. Oh, after my tirade, she was upset, she was mad, and she did a soft hang up. And yes, in retrospect, I could have framed it, said it, went about it differently. Maybe, but that's still my child, and

What Anxiety Really Means

SPEAKER_00 3:22

I'm mom first. And when it comes to my children, I do not allow them to own anything that diminishes their identity. Listen, constant listener, what had gotten lost in the delivery was this message to her. Don't let what somebody else has done to you determine how much of yourself you have access to. Let me say that again. Don't let what somebody else has done to you determine how much of yourself you have access to. Constant listener, before we go any further, I wanted to know what this word actually meant before it became our anxiety. So I went back, and I mean all the way back past the Latin, all the way to the Greek. Now, there are some Greek words involved here that I am absolutely not going to sit here and try to pronounce. Actually, I'm not going to try to pronounce any of them. And for as much as I love language, that is not my ministry. Nevertheless, I'll tell you what I found. Now, at the root of this word, anxiety is this idea of pressing tight, squeezing, constricting, even choking or strangling. Now, Sister Girl, we are not talking about being nervous. We're not talking about having a lot on our minds. We're talking about constriction, inhibiting physical movement, disturbing our physiological makeup and our minds. Remember when we were kids on hot summer days outside playing with the water hose, and we'd fold the water hose over, and when we were ready for that blast of fresh, cold air, we'd let it go and whoosh, the water'd come rushing from the water hose full force, and we'd either run and scream, fall down and scream, or laugh and scream with full delight. Sister Girl, I hope we still do that as adults. And if you've never been blasted with the water hose after the kink has been released or forgotten what it feels like, it's only August. You've still got time. What this looks like and sounds like in life, and I'll use my life for example, is this anxiety became so bad that I almost put off my degree until 2027, which would have been disastrous because my son is a senior and we would have had competing graduation events. Thank God for the voice of reason in that moment, my daughter. Or anxiety became so bad for her that she was willing to settle for the treatment she was getting from this realty company, chalking it up to, well, it's happened to other people, as if this excused their behavior. She was willing to step back from this uncomfortable situation and shrink her voice. Constant listener, if anxiety is my body's way of responding to threats, real or imagined, then why would I want to claim the response, the constriction, the interference of my ability to think clearly, make decisions, and move? Why would I want to claim the interruptions of happiness, the hijacking of joy, the delayed movement? Why would I want to claim that as mine? And furthermore, why would you? Anxiety can constrict access to your capacity without becoming the definition of your capacity. We've all been there in love and relationships and workplace restructuring in our personal and family life, like becoming homeless. I remember telling my daughter, don't ever get nervous about your money. Ask your questions, make the phone call, find out what's happening, but don't let somebody else's mishandling of something that belongs to you make you afraid to move. What I didn't understand was that when she kept saying my anxiety, she was trying to give me language for what was happening inside of her. She wasn't just worried anymore. She was constricted. I didn't have the capacity to understand or the language then, but I do now. And that understanding changes the way I hear her and others and myself. It didn't change everything I believed about what she was saying. Now I still don't want my daughter calling anxiety hers. I still

The Kink In The Hose Reframe

SPEAKER_00 8:12

don't want her building the boundaries of her life around something that by its very nature constricts. Remember the kink in the water hose? Anxiety is the kink that is preventing you from accessing your abilities, your talents, your determinations to move. Instead of my anxiety won't let me, what if we said when anxiety kicks in, I notice? One sentence makes anxiety part of who I am, the other provides self-awareness so that I notice what's happening in me. That change in perspective matters because while anxiety can hijack your capacity, it should never be allowed to define your identity. Constant listener, sister girl, the kink is not who you are. Anxiety is the kink that constricts your flow. It dims the adventurous light in your eyes. It silences your voice and smothers your talent. It does all of this, but the kink doesn't define what's flowing through the hose, and it certainly doesn't define you.

Find A Trusted Voice

SPEAKER_00 9:19

Before we go, I think you know by now the special relationship I share with my daughter. We are each other's most trusted voices. Even after that phone call, she still calls me. Oh, and she's in her apartment and she's alone. I encourage you today to find a trusted voice, a friend, a pastor, a mentor, a family member. And if you have none of those constant listeners to her, you can bottom line. And the last thing, don't let what somebody else has done to you or what life has put in front of you. Determine how much of yourself you have to. I'm Dr. Holly. Thank you for the end of the space. So next time, I love y'all.